When I was holding my little one for the first time, I couldn't define my feelings toward him. As fleeting and elusive as my dream, I still in disbelief that I have a son in my arms. Holding him was like holding myself, but smaller or BETA version, except He has pearl-white skin like Japanese baby, straight hair without sign of curly, and no element of me at all. All I can see is my wife in everything in him I felt nothing. I was so confident that it was neither love or affection that I'd felt at that moment . It's just I didn't feel like to love someone, I have enough for one love already; my wife. However, my love towards my little one is steadily gaining strength day by day. Right now,the momentum of love is so driven that I'm deeply attached to him, and I feel so lost without my son around me.
It has been 2 years of being a father. Of all the ups and downs about being a father, I have to confront, control, or adapt with these emotions;
There is a time when I need all of my patience to be the shield from myself before I loose control and hurt my own child just because he threw my favorite iPod up in the air which I saw it crashed on the floor in split seconds after that. To be honest, I'm not a good father. I have a mild temper which mean I can be so calm, while sometime I become unpredictable that I let loose my anger. Once there was Amirul laid his hand on my laptop and played it like one of his toys. My eyes burned with fire I yell so loud in front of Amirul's face, with my left hand performed a combo of continuous pinches. It enough to make Amirul ran, hide behind the bedroom door and burst into tears. I know I need to contain my anger instead of unleashed it, I need to learn how to control my anger.
I had a nightmare where Amirul was in the middle of the road with dense traffic from every directions and he got nowhere to go. If I stood there and do nothing, I would see my son get hit by a car. Before the scene turned into something unspeakable, I immediately took all my strength to trigger my legs, run and spread my arms wide open to save my child. As soon as I grabbed and put him into my arms, I woke up. My heart was trembling inside, my body was full of sweat. Then I cried myself out like a little child. Fear. I have a fear that he will gone away, taken or worst, die before me. I fear that I'm not responsible enough to be his father. I fear that someday I can't cater his financial and emotional needs anymore. I fear that I cannot be a decent father who loves him all the time and didn't take any advantages on him. Until now, I can't make my fear subsides and that beast will always inside my head, haunting me every time I see my son's face.
BabyCenter Article: Seven Fears Expectant Fathers Face
Amirul is a healthy toddler with nothing to worry about. His graph of growth is showing a steady development, he is not carrying any critical illness, and doesn't have any physical disadvantage. His motoring skill is improving accordingly and there's nothing to worry about. What concerns me is that Amirul's speech development is not going very well and it is disappointing. "But Einstein spoke when he was 4", said my wife. "Yes, but we have to take preliminary actions before it's too late". I hope he'll be the next Einstein. There are some minor disappointment like separation anxiety and not friendly among his relatives. And like I've said, I really hope he'll be the next Einstein, but I cannot set my expectation very high. Nevertheless, there are jewels underneath a pile of stones and I always be proud of my child.
Happiness is when I see my son face smiling back at me when I get home, trying to unlock using the key when it's obviously he can't reach the padlock. All the bad things happened to me at office was gone, vaporized into thin air when I hug my little one, lift one leg behind and pretend to fly. It's undeniable that it is very exhausting to look after Amirul, I feel like the task is going in endless circle; changing diaper, shower him, changing diaper again, monitor him playing, and it goes on and on. Sometimes it makes me tired and frustrated. But happiness is not something that come easy, I have to earn it just to see Amirul's smile like the sun. His laughing are the remedy of my life. OK, when I say happiness, it's just as same as the other feelings.
How is it feels like being a father? Most of the time, l feel like I'm living in my own nightmare. But you cannot judge of what you see in everyday life; mess up toys on floor, smell of baby's puke, uneasiness aromatic of baby's stool, and endless shriek of crying. You have to leap beyond that point and see being a father makes you a better person. Although you feel the bag of responsibility is weighting you so heavy it cuts open the flesh of your shoulder, it worth every wound.